Be Still

Being still is not my strength.  I am a “moving” prayer – you know – I love to walk, drive, clean and talk to God.  I assume that’s why we are called to sit or lay quietly somewhere and “be still” as we enter His gates.

This morning I woke up early and I was still a little groggy.  I decided laying in my bed would be a good time to be still and listen to God.   My thoughts went immediately to my daughter, Blake, who is living in a sober living home a few hours away.  Last night her house mom had to take her to the ER because her body was shaking so badly.  I fretted the entire evening as we exchanged texts.  She had been shaking for the past three months from new medication, but evidently, this shaking was uncontrollable.  The doctor was treating her like she was on drugs which Praise God she was not.  Her tests all came out normal, so they assumed she was dehydrated and sent her home.  So, this is my back story to my still time with God.  As I was laying there, a thought came to my mind.  I like to call them “God thoughts” because I can’t imagine that I would think these things on my own.  The thought said, “I’m your God, but you think you are hers.”  Ouch!   So, I’m now wondering was that God or am I just overwrought and overthinking.  I laid there for five or ten more minutes and decided that I needed more sleep.

When I did get up, drank my coffee, and sat in my “morning” chair, I decided to try the “being still” thing again.   As I sat with eyes closed for fifteen minutes or so, I pondered stillness while ideas from the various authors I’ve been reading raced through my mind.  I was reminded to “be still” is not necessarily being still in my seat or my bed.  Praying about my earlier “God thought,” I admitted that I do try to control my children to do the “right” thing.  I give them and their issues to God only to take them back when I feel like things aren’t moving quickly enough.   I am copying this quote from Larry Crabb because it struck me so much that I thought of it during this time.  “Her “trust’’ in God was rooted not in unconditional confidence in His character and sovereign plan but rather in a hope that He’d relieve her suffering in the way she desired. The longer fulfillment was postponed, the more demanding she became as she “waited upon God.” (Crabb, Larry. Inside Out (Kindle Locations 2372-2375). NavPress. Kindle Edition).

My little loves:  Anthony my son, Jessica his wife, Blake my daughter and my beautiful granddaughters Avery and Myles – I want them all to follow Jesus.  But am I demanding it?  Do I hold my breath and stomp my feet to God or most likely smile and say, “I know you’ve got this Lord,” even while attempting to help Him along in the process?  Yes, I know I am guilty.  I have not “been still.”  I repented once again.  “Forgive my unbelief Lord, and remind me every minute that you are King of the World.  I cannot save my children in their marriage by sending them books on respect and love.  I cannot fight Blake’s addiction and protect her from harm by having her live in my bubble.   I can do absolutely nothing without Him who is my Lord and their Lord.  It’s so humbling to know how weak and powerless we are, but it is the truth.  And the truth is freeing.

My spirit rests in the knowledge that God works everything for good.  I need just be still.